When I said that recognizing a bad sentence may be the hardest skill for my students to learn, I spoke too hastily. Learning to improve these sentences is even harder.
Before we work on techniques for editing, I demonstrate. Projecting a passage on the screen, I polish it a bit at a time, explaining why I’m making each change.
Because I’m terrified that I’ll freeze when all eyes are on me, I prepare this lesson in advance: editing in solitude and then listing the changes so I can recreate them in the classroom.
Here’s a sample demonstration. This sentence comes from a homework response written by one of my students:
After reading, there are a few reasons apparent that could also be the reason as to why Sammy really quit his job at A & P.
And here’s what I tell the class:
Watch how I do this. I don’t try to solve every problem at once. We’ll take it one step at a time.
- Delete After reading. Among other reasons, the phrase is unnecessary. Obviously you’re commenting after you’ve read the story. Could you comment if you haven’t? (Don’t answer that.)
There are a few reasons apparent that could also be the reason as to why Sammy really quit his job at A & P.
- Change a few reasons apparent to a few different reasons why—because a few reasons apparent is a bit clumsy.
There are a few different reasons why that could also be the reason as to why Sammy really quit his job at A & P.
- Delete that could also be the reason as to why — because it’s repetitive, unnecessary, and awkward.
There are a few different reasons why Sammy really quit his job at A & P.
- Delete really. I get the point—the writer is now going to reveal the real, underlying reason—but since we’re about to read a few possible reasons, that’s misleading.
There are a few different reasons why Sammy quit his job at A & P.
Done.
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Bad sentences can be classified in different ways. To keep it simple, I present students with three broad categories:
- Sentences that include awkward phrases or other minor problems (which can be repaired by focusing on the trouble-spots)
- Sentences that are much too long and need to be broken into two or more shorter sentences
- Sentences with so many problems that the simplest way to improve them is to start over
Before they can fix a dysfunctional sentence, they need to figure out which sort of problem they’re dealing with.
I project a handful of bad sentences, and ask them to describe what’s wrong with them. Once they’ve offered their analysis, I point out that most problems can be approached in one of the three ways listed above.
Examples:
- “Fences is meant to portray the struggles African Americans went through, trying to get over the blockage of equal opportunity during that time period.”
- “You can connect the poem as to a vampire as the happiness and life has been sucked out of the author.”
- “When the blind man comes to dinner, the narrator is extremely uncomfortable at first, due in part to jealousy over the relationship his wife has with the blind man, which seems in a way better than her relationship with her own husband, and as a matter of fact, there is a hint that, if the timing had worked out, the blind man might have married her.”
Here’s what I say about each of these sentences:
- “Fences is meant to portray the struggles African Americans went through, trying to get over the blockage of equal opportunity during that time period.”
The first half of this sentence works well enough; the problems begin after the comma. When I find this kind of problem in my own work, I put brackets around the part of the sentence that seems clumsy, and come back to it later. The goal is to find a better way to express the idea you’ve bracketed.
- “You can connect the poem as to a vampire as the happiness and life has been sucked out of the author.”
The key idea in this sentence is visible, but overshadowed by confusing syntax. I’d advise this student to start over. Read what you wrote, then look away from it and ask yourself, How could I say that straightforwardly? How would I say it to a friend? Speak the words out loud. If you write down what you say, that will serve as a first draft, which you can polish.
- “When the blind man comes to dinner, the narrator is extremely uncomfortable at first, due in part to jealousy over the relationship his wife has with the blind man, which seems in a way better than her relationship with her own husband, and as a matter of fact, there is a hint that, if the timing had worked out, the blind man might have married her.”
This is the easiest problem to diagnose. This sentence goes on too long. Breaking it into more than one sentence would solve most of its problems.
Once I’ve introduced this three-category approach, I give the class sentences to edit, starting with simple, obvious problems. (For example, one word that’s glaringly wrong, or a sentence that goes on for five or more lines.) Step One is to determine which sort of problem they’re dealing with; Step Two is to revise the sentence.
Before I send them off to do this on their own, I lead them in a practice session, in which the whole class suggests changes to a sentence I project on the screen. I make the changes they suggest, and we compare the revised sentence with the original.
Then it’s time to let them work individually. The talented few do well from the start; most struggle at first and improve with practice.
I ask students to post their revisions on Padlet, so they can see what everyone else has done. As always, I offer them a choice: put their initials on their work, or attach a loony nickname. This way, those who prefer anonymity can have it, and I can quickly point out effective solutions, or else suggest tweaks or grammatical corrections.
(About correcting their mistakes: yes, I know this can discourage and embarrass them, and no, I don’t want that to happen. Therefore, I don’t point out most grammatical mistakes, especially those made by the weaker writers. But if someone has written a sentence that’s excellent except for a small flaw, I’ll say exactly that. Based on their anonymous evaluations at the end of the semester, I don’t think anyone objects to this approach—at least, not enough to protest.)
You may want to provide students with a reminder of the three basic approaches, by projecting the following note on a screen. If you have your own classroom, you can print it as a poster.
How to improve an awkward sentence
- Find the part that’s a problem. Put brackets around it and try to replace it with something more accurate, graceful, or straightforward.
- If the sentence is long and confusing, break it into two or more shorter sentences.
- Figure out what the sentence is trying to say. Then start over and say it a different way.
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Notes
My classes practice this several times over the course of the semester.
As much as possible, I try to make sentence revision relaxed and playful, not grim and threatening.
When students post their proposed revisions, I often find two or more examples that do the job well, using very different approaches. This illustrates an important point, which I make repeatedly: when it comes to editing, there’s almost always more than one good solution. There are different ways to write well, and plenty of room to speak in your own voice.
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And the results?
After a semester of editing practice, do all of my students write gracefully and eloquently?
No, very few attain that level of excellence. But most of them improve much more than students in earlier semesters, before I devised this method. And some make astonishing progress. The work of my hardest-working students has gone from awkward to nearly flawless.
As I mentioned earlier, about half of my students improve substantially, and most of the rest improve moderately. I’m still searching for ways to raise my batting average.
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More advanced problem-solving
Many of my students’ sentences fall into that daunting category, Too Misshapen to Polish—Just Start Over. I’d like to give them more specific guidance, but teaching additional editing strategies hasn’t yielded better results.
If you teach students at a more advanced level, however, you may want to introduce some of the following strategies:
- Try putting the subject at the beginning of the sentence. Long, complicated sentences trip up many student writers. You can solve some of these problems by placing the subject at the beginning of the sentence, or closer to the beginning.
- Example: “Apart from the speakers’ horrific but varied experiences and the differences in their perspective, the two poems communicate a similar message about war.”
- Revised: “The two poems communicate a similar message about war, even though the speakers’ experiences and perspectives differ.”
- Check for a mistake in the logic of the sentence. In some sentences, the subject can’t possibly perform the verb; in others, there’s a logical disconnect between the beginning of the sentence and the rest. Once you notice this, it shouldn’t be hard to correct the mistake.
- Example: “Any woman who is dominated by her husband is going to be an unhappy marriage.”
- A woman can’t be a marriage. Here are two ways to revise:
- “Any woman who is dominated by her husband is going to be unhappy in her marriage.”
- “Any marriage in which a woman is dominated by her husband is going to be unhappy.”
- Example: “Any woman who is dominated by her husband is going to be an unhappy marriage.”
- If the subject of your sentence is an abstract noun, try giving the sentence a human subject instead.
- Example: “Greed, acquisition, and hoarding of wealth were the traits that defined Ebenezer Scrooge.”
- Revised: “Everyone who knew Ebenezer Scrooge considered him a miser.” (Or, even more simply: “Ebenezer Scrooze was a miser.”)
- Students sometimes write themselves into difficult corners by burying the topics of their sentences in prepositional phrases. When this happens, the easiest solution is to ask, What am I really talking about here? If you make the topic of the sentence its grammatical subject, you’ll have a clearer sentence.
- Example: “The effect of his decision on the residents of Kalamazoo was to deprive the majority of them of access to rivers and streams.”
- Revised: “His decision deprived most residents of Kalamazoo of access to rivers and streams.”
- OR: “Most residents of Kalamazoo lost access to rivers and streams as a result of his decision.”
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Going step by step
Here’s the sequence of lessons I use:
- Show the class a group of awkward sentences. Taking the sentences one by one, ask them to decide which of the three types of problem we’re facing: i) horrifying mess, ii) only awkward in part(s), or iii) goes on much too long.
- Start practicing. Give them an over-long sentence to edit first. That’s the easiest problem to solve.
- Next, give them a sentence with just a word or phrase that’s awkward.
- Next, let them try to overhaul a terrible sentence. Keep this first one short.
- Continue giving them practice with more challenging sentences, mixing up the problems.
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Each semester, I collect examples of writing that needs revision. You may choose to write your own awkward sentences, in order to control the level of difficulty and the type of grammatical problem. But if you want to work with sentences written by actual college students, try these:
Also being only book smart is not very great in your personal life. The fact that you won’t think outside the box just because it’s not require kinda.
Although Troy may not see it, he is slowly becoming his father with how he is raising his kids, the difference is however, Troy is not abusive.
Because now in today’s age if it were opposite and it was a group of males in a store shirtless and a male manager walked in he would 9 out of 10 times ignore it and say that they weren’t doing anything stupid or unnecessary, holding women to a different standard.
Being reliable and tough are what make soldiers heroes.
Famous authors such as Walt Whitman and Percy Byshee Shelley write poems because it tells a message.
Although Troy would not like to have Rose work as the male should provide for a family, if it really came down to it he would let her work and find anger not in the fact that a woman is working but in the fact that he failed.
He quits his job sticking up for them to be looked at as the hero.
He tells his co-worker and they both conversate about them but his co-worker is married and seems to like working in A&P as Sammy doesn’t want to work there the rest of his life.
Human potential shouldn’t be wasted for the difference it can do for someone and our world.
Lengel seems to be very confrontational to shoppers who may do violate little policies that very moment Sammy could have been at his break point.
Love is a feeling that many of us have experienced in some specific way, but every person’s experience is unique.
Many opinions have been formed as to if a high education is useful or not.
Men can have so much in common but ultimately kill each other when it comes to war.
Once the younger nun spilled some tea as they began discussing the boy’s incident, the tension grew even more.
People believe that certain jobs that require less schooling automatically means those people have a lower level of intelligence.
Severe frustration with his situation and aspiration to heroic behavior were the motives behind Sammy quitting.
She would go to school and just by seeing her teachers she felt safe and out of harm’s way.
The author purposely associates this word to this new meaning to reveal how life was like for men in war, including how he once lived when he was drafted into the Vietnam War.
The girls did not live up to any standards and still proceeded to walk into the store; not realizing that what they wore brought much attention.
The poet’s image of her dead father expresses her anger towards him, however, she tries to get back to him which reveals the battle she has with herself.
The relationship between Nora and Torvald illuminate the idea of a “happy marriage”, when in reality, the marriage falls apart to the pressures of money, greed, and power.
The thing that people might disagree is that many students might not like old famous literature and instead like reading about sports or social news on media about celebrities, which teaches nothing to the students.
When one examines the poem more carefully, though, and pays closer attention to the details, the imagery, and the symbolic meaning, and reads between the lines, one realizes that Lenore was the speaker’s beloved, and she has died.
You can connect the poem as to a vampire as the happiness and life has been sucked out of the author.