This may be the single most powerful way to improve a sentence. Many writers clog their work with words that don’t add to the meaning of the sentence—and that’s true of published freelancers, not just college freshmen. I appreciate a dense, descriptive style (Faulkner, Lawrence, Pynchon), but there’s a difference between rich prose and a forest of dead wood. Writing clean, lean prose will serve most students better than straining for flowery eloquence or impenetrable academic complexity.
Introduce the topic
Project this on the screen:
Compare these two passages
A:
In the famous Norwegian playwright Henrik Ibsen’s drama, A Doll House, the perfect, ideal world of the protagonist, Nora, turns out to be a terrible, false paradise, a dollhouse, which eventually is exposed for what it is at the dramatic climax, when the terrifying threat of unbearable social disgrace pressures Nora’s dominating husband to show his true, unloving, selfish colors.
B:
In Ibsen’s A Doll House, the perfect world of the protagonist, Nora, turns out to be a false paradise. At the climax, the threat of disgrace forces Nora’s husband to show his true colors. Under pressure, he behaves selfishly, without love.
Ask the class: Which version do you prefer, A or B? Why?
Discuss
Passage A was adapted from a student essay; passage B is an edited version of the original.
Point out that “A” is one long sentence. It has complexity and momentum, but it feels clumsy because the words have been piled on so thickly. In “B,” the same meaning is expressed more quickly and clearly.
This doesn’t mean you should never write long, complex sentences or include details that add to a reader’s understanding. There is a place for dense language — and long, complex sentences have their own appeal — but in general, if you’re trying to communicate information or ideas, you’ll do it more effectively if you strip away the words that aren’t needed.
Most of us use unnecessary words in our first drafts; but careful writers delete them when revising.
The lesson
Writing concisely means expressing your meaning clearly and directly, in as few words as possible.
Why omit unnecessary words? Because extra words slow the reader down, and make it harder to see what you’re trying to say.
What kinds of words and phrases are unnecessary?
- Repetitive words
- Three of the following words mean the same thing:
- Driving a Formula One car demands absolute, complete, total concentration.
- Just one of them will do the job:
- Driving a Formula One car demands total concentration.
- Three of the following words mean the same thing:
- Words that don’t add meaning
- There’s no need for the word “own” in this sentence:
- He wrote his own autobiography.
- Who else’s autobiography could he write?
- There’s no need for the word “own” in this sentence:
- Words that clog up the sentence
- First drafts often include words like basically, essentially, and Most sentences will be stronger if you delete them.
- Basically, he was a very strong leader.
- Delete basically and very, and you have a better sentence.
- He was a strong leader.
- First drafts often include words like basically, essentially, and Most sentences will be stronger if you delete them.
- Dull introductory phrases
- Examples:
- It has often been observed that…
- Everyone knows that…
- Try starting the sentence without these phrases.
- Examples:
•
Here are some wordy phrases you can usually replace:
Project this:
These Wordy Phrases… …can be replaced with these concise phrases
at the present time now; currently
at this point in time now; currently
because of the fact that because
due to the fact that because
in spite of the fact that although
in the event that if
in light of the fact that because
Practice
If you prefer, you can have the class work on the first sample sentence together, by asking volunteers for suggestions. Then students can work in pairs to improve sample sentences; finally, they should try it individually. I’m only offering a few examples here, but you can create your own wordy sentences using the categories I’ve defined above.
Project this:
Find the unnecessary word (or words) in this sentence
Then rewrite the sentence using fewer words.
To be sure, Ann Bradstreet was a great American writer, and she was an admirable person, more or less.
Here are a few more sample sentences for your students to work on:
When you see a strong, brawny, muscular guy reach for sparkly, twinkly, glittering stars in the sky, you can bet that he’s got long arms.
The raven kept saying the same word over and over, again and again, repeatedly.
Needless to say, dogs with rabies behave oddly.
When students are working in pairs and individually, they should post their revised sentences on Padlet for others to see. They can put their initials on their work, or create a preposterous nickname if they prefer anonymity.
I tell them to look at what others have done.
Then we discuss: which revisions seem to be the most effective? (Few of my students are willing to judge. Usually, I have to point out what seem to me the best revisions.)
If no one has come close, I write a revision of my own and post it.
Homework
Assign a few sentences to edit, asking students to trim away the unnecessary words. Examples:
- The Egyptian pyramids were built an extremely long time ago, around 2700 B.C.- 2200 B.C.
- Advertisements in magazines tend to attract the reader’s attention with strong designs that are very bold and vivid colors that are really bright.
- True friends are very important to have in a time of serious crisis.
- It is known that the duration of the common cold can be shortened by giving the person with the cold doses of zinc gluconate in the form of lozenges.